Humility
True humility is not a character trait but wisdom, an apprehension of the facts. It's when you have a psychological need for the facts about you to be different that you veer into arrogance or self-effacing. I have yoyo'd between these two throughout my life, but I was by far the happiest at times and in areas where I was humble. Humility is its own reward, because it's the result of self-acceptance and self-love.
Lately I've observed how much energy it takes to be obsessed with being better than other people. Suffice to say I've not been in a humble place and time for some while. I've been in an immensely insecure place and grasping at whatever strategy promises to deliver me. I constantly catch myself feeling threatened by someone else's brilliance or discipline or achievement (not coincidentally areas where I feel like I have to be better than I am).
For example, I was in an academic meeting the other day with a friend of mine, and he was fluidly discussing issues fundamental to our topic of debate. I noticed I was having a hard time listening to him. I was so preoccupied with coming up with my own unique insight (about this topic he's much better acquainted with) that my mind was constantly spinning off in the direction of possible impressive comments to make myself feel less stupid. I also noticed that I was suffering. It's new for me to be able to recognize this kind of mental hustling for the misery it is, and I'm proud and grateful that I can do it now. It's the reason I'm telling this story and it has a happy ending.
I was suffering because I felt not good enough. I felt self-conscious and on guard. His mind is clearly very sharp, and mine hasn't felt that way for a long time. He's got a better head for numbers and theory than I've ever had. Most of all I was resentful of his obvious love for his studies. I knew he wasn't trying to impress us-- his drive and fascination with the topic just make his thoughts impressive.
When I caught myself, I practiced a little self-compassion for my suffering. Then I asked myself, "What's wrong with him being smarter and a better student? Does that take anything away from me?" My instinct has always been that it does take something away from me when other people are better than me at the things I think give me value. That's because I've always been vulnerable to believing my self-worth was contingent.
But this time, I just looked at my friend and thought, "[He] is brilliant and dedicated." Instantly, my glutes unclenched, my lower back relaxed, the nape of my neck and the base of my skull released (making a few characteristic tension-release-pops I recognize from meditation), and my face and jaw seemed to lengthen and let go. The desperation and storminess in my chest started to subside. Worrying about being outdone had been costing me immense tension and energy. I now had an easy feeling of peace and lightness.
Suddenly I was seeing it all clearly. He was smarter than me, he was a better student, he was far less ego-driven in this meeting than me. And that was okay! In fact, I was happy for him and his gifts. Honestly, though, I was happier for myself for being able to let go of my shame-fueled jealousy and competitiveness, for however long it would last. I was released from the suffering!
His brilliance didn't take anything from me. All those qualities that he was exemplifying, the intelligence and diligence and sharp mind, bothered me so much because I have believed since I was a child that if I could just be impressive enough in those ways (among others), it would undo my inherent inadequacy and I would be good enough. But that's not true, and so I don't need to see myself in zero sum competition with anyone whose strengths overlap with my insecurities.
I really saw that in the time it took for my friend to make his comment. And I think that's humility. It's not putting yourself down or thinking little of yourself, but simply being aware of and accepting of the truth about yourself. Realizing you don't need to be anything more or less than you are to love and accept yourself. And I vouch that accepting yourself as you are is its own reward!