Lessons from leaving facebook
I deactivated facebook in mid-November 2018, and so far it's going pretty well. It feels like I've been off long enough now to share some takeaways:
As much as I would have protested to the contrary before, I was severely addicted to facebook. The withdrawals made this crystal clear. When I conceived a shareworthy sentiment after deactivating (which, due to combination of desperation to post and low quality standards, happened every few seconds), the need to share it is was like a wild animal throwing itself against restraints. The chatter of things that were just too good not to share drowned out most of whatever else I was doing for about a week. After 3 weeks I felt I was out of withdrawals. 4 months later my temptation to use facebook is more out of curiosity about what others are doing.
The nature of my withdrawals made it clear(er) to me that I get addicted to approval and attention. I thought I liked facebook for the salon environment and as a place to sound my ideas. I knew I also liked whatever attention and praise it brought me, you know, "as a byproduct." During the withdrawals, I kept having these ideas that NEEDED to be shared, yet I could barely stand to entertain them for their own sakes for a few minutes. I couldn't go more than 30 seconds down most lines of thought before my mind said "that's enough to post-- hurry!!" At least at that time, my motivation was obviously not to explore ideas, but to get my squirt of juice for sharing them.
I used facebook to cope with anxiety. For a few days a couple years ago, I actually recorded what prompted me to go to facebook every time I found myself there. The results were very eye-opening to me-- 90% of the time it was feeling a spike in anxiety. I would get an email that stressed me out, and instead of riding that wave for the 20 seconds it would take to break, I was automatically prompted to turn to my comfort object. Attention- and approval-seeking are also based in anxiety. Not having anywhere to sink that anxiety has been quite difficult at times. I still scrounge around for some kind of mindless activity that will do it for me like facebook, but I'm glad I haven't found one. My dream is to be able to sit with discomfort when it arises an watch it pass. I think it's difficult to learn that if you're constantly leaning on something to take the edge off. The battle is long and leaving facebook is only a part of it.
The experience of deactivating convinced me that being off Facebook is right for me. I would need to grow significantly with regards to attention- and approval-seeking to consider going back. Add the ease with which it becomes an unhealthy anxiety coping mechanism and I don't know if it will ever be a good idea.
I have a lot more time. Facebook was one of the only places for me where time was guaranteed to melt. I would spend a day on facebook, look up, and wonder what happened. The day feels much longer, fuller, and more real without facebook melting away every train ride or work break or every time I got home and sat with my phone on the couch for "just a minute."
I thought facebook riled me up, but it was more complicated than I thought. One of the reasons I stated for leaving facebook was how it brought out my hostility. Facebook whipped me up, no question, and it supplied me with bugaboos. But unlike the need for approval and attention, which calmed down a lot after I had "prevented my response" for several weeks, my anger actually got worse. Based on Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Anger, I believe I was using Facebook to vent in a way that just preserved the status quo causes of anger in my life. Venting gave me temporary relief and kept me from looking more deeply into the patterns that were maintaining this steady supply of rage. Facebook was definitely a source of rage but in hindsight I'm more concerned with the way it allowed me to offload feelings of frustration and helplessness as rage instead of addressing them head-on. Since venting is the norm on Facebook, I didn't see the true issue until I got off and I couldn't start taking a big step toward peace and happiness in my life.
Facebook filled my head with crap. This is probably the most obvious one. But I'm not just talking about memes and getting into strangers' personal dramas. I'm talking about politics. Facebook kept me in this dumb soap opera people use to feel important and a dozen more gossip-y stories (like what Elon Musk is up to) at any given time. Not keeping up with politics day-to-day has given me so much more room to breathe. And guess what? It hasn't changed my actual impact at all. I still vote, which was about all I did on a regular basis before. Unless you just love posting about politics on facebook, please don't let yourself believe that you're doing anything useful. (You might even be doing something harmful by sucking everyone into this drama and causing division.) If you're worried about being out of the loop politically if you leave, I suggest implementing a monthly issue round-up that focuses on action items (such as bills or policies being considered) at your local, state, and federal level, then making a call to your representatives if you feel strongly about one of them. You'll be lightyears ahead of where you were in political involvement when your main political activity was to keep up with the news.
I got a lot of praise on facebook, but I see now how little it had to do with me. I got a lot of praise for my posts. It seems to me now, though, that a post exemplifying the need to overshare would get effusive praise from other oversharers, a post fueled by anger at my rejection by old leftist friend groups would get "THIS." from other scorned comrades, and some scrupulous expression of how hard people should be on themselves would be vaunted by others afflicted with scrupulosity and self-judgment. I think the whole world is a mirror where we only see ourselves reflected if we're not careful. But facebook and social media are worse. It's particularly stark online how much praise tends to tell you only about the praiser. Unfortunately, it seems like the strongest praise on social media is in support of shared vices or hatreds.
I turned back to my blog and more polished writing. It's in most ways more satisfying, though I still miss a casual way to publish short, low-effort writing. I don't know if I can have that right now without being addicted to it, which is why I've kept the blog a little formal. I also miss how easy it was to get blog views by posting to facebook, but whatever. Tradeoffs.
FOMO didn't amount to much. I have missed some stuff because of being off facebook, but none of it was a big deal and I would not trade all the time and effort I used to put into facebook to have heard about those things in time. This is the most legitimate-feeling reason to stay on/return to facebook, but I promise that the people you really need to be in contact with have a way of finding you. I had a handful of meaningful acquaintanceships that I lost because we didn't text, email, or have other friends in common. I'm confident they don't want me to sabotage myself by feeding a facebook addiction solely for them when the bond between us wasn't even strong enough to exchange email addresses.
They say no one else really cares about your presence on social media, but that wasn't true for me. Cal Newport says no one will miss you if you leave social media, and that any belief to the contrary is grandiose. I was counting on this so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on individualized attention by leaving. But actually people did tell me how sad they were that I had left. They emailed me a few a weeks later like, "OMG, did you deactivate?!" or told me in person. Just a few days ago I was contacted by someone through this blog asking if I had saved an old post. I'd say it was less than 10 people out of my 1000+ friends and followers, so Newport may mostly have the right of it, but, still, people missed me. Facebook was my little salon that I lavished huge amounts of time on. It turns out other people did notice. This makes it a lot harder to leave, and people who use facebook the way I did should be prepared for that. There will be peer pressure and temptation.
That's all for now, but I'll add to this list as new lessons become apparent.
Update (1-20-20): I just reactivated for about an 18-hour period to see pictures of my friends' wedding, and I must have been on facebook for 12 of those hours. The time just melted and that's a big reason I deactivated again afterwards. I didn't interact-- all I did was look at the wedding photos, scrape my timeline for writing that I liked, and put all my friends on lists that reflected my actual closeness to them (kind of a moot point, since I re-deactivated, but it was psychologically useful for me). The biggest reason I deactivated again was that I was terrified someone would see me on there and try to talk to me! I don't miss feeling watched and hassled one bit. The other big takeaway was that I didn't remember who about 1/4 of my friends list were, and some that I did remember were never really my friends. I kept having memories of how irritated I was by certain people, or how small and ashamed others made me feel. It's obvious to me now that I never needed to let them into my world. And it's clear to me that I'm happier not engaging with the entire platform.
Update (2-18-20): I deleted my Twitter at the beginning of February, as it had started to get more addictive and I'd been having more insipid, negative interactions. I happen to be feeling incredible lately for different reasons (my defense is in two weeks and I'm so happy to get this monkey off my back), but I think leaving Twitter has provided a further boost. Case in point, I was watching Heather MacDonald on Rubin Report earlier today, and I was able to just like and admire her, as I always have, without fear or defensiveness. I didn't feel like anyone was looking over my shoulder, ready to condemn me for liking a conservative or "racist." My head is my sovereign kingdom once again, where feelings, thoughts, and reactions arise privately, safe from the eyes of the world and free from hostile foreign thought police.
Update (2-28-22): I’m back on the sauce, but I’m grateful for the insights these experiments gave me and the sense of empowerment I have to go without social media again if I need or want to.